Sunday, February 21, 2016

Ouch! It Is My Heart!

This time it wasn’t my hair clip or my nail, it was my heart that he broke. I never knew it would be this terrible. It’s been a week and he still hasn’t called me back. I called him up for the seventh time since morning. The frequency of my calls has decreased over the week. The day he said “it's over!” I don’t have a count on the number of times I had called him up. My calls were unanswered. And perhaps will never be answered again. But in a matter of few seconds he had turned me into a person I never thought I would become.  I never felt this helpless, this lost. Why couldn’t I stop crying? I was breathless. I hadn’t slept properly since a week. I pitied my grief stricken face. So this is what people call heart break..My heart, mind, brain, head and eyes were in a constant battle with each other. And now the running nose had joined them. I popped in pills to kill the headache. But unfortunately there are no medicines to kill the aching of a broken heart. It was hurting me. It felt like this was the end. There was nothing left. It has always been just him. My heart ached with an unbearable pain that I wished it would shout, cry out loud. But it was silent. And silent cries are the most difficult to bear. Or maybe it was crying out loud but the pain distracted me from hearing it. My calls, my messages nothing mattered to him anymore. Isn’t it strange? Just a week back his days didn’t start or end without a good morning and good night call, and now I didn’t exist for him.  I had begged him not to do this to me. I was literally on my knees pleading. But it didn’t matter to him. It is so weird when you give someone a piece of yourself, an important part of yourself and they just destroy it and leave. I felt cheated. I felt responsible for this pain, for letting him break me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I tried to call him again knowing that it would still remain unanswered. Finally I wrote him an email.

Dear Ex Boyfriend womaniser jerk baby
Sorry...I am not sure what I am supposed to call you...you never liked my calling you by your name. And today I don’t feel like calling you by the mushy names you preferred. You have changed me into a stranger. I loved you with every bit of my heart. I don’t know if it is true love or forever love...but I loved you and I still do. Else I wouldn’t have changed myself for you. I always hated long hairs but since the day you came into my life I haven’t cut my hairs just because you adored them. I am not even in touch with any of my male friends. Even today when I need someone I haven’t called them. How could I? You never liked them. I stopped talking to them to make you happy, while you shamelessly flirted around with your female fans. I still trusted you that you love me just the way I do. That was a mistake. We always expect people to love us the way we love them. That’s human nature. We always watched your favourite movie; we always ate at the place of your choice. I had to dress up in the way you wanted me to. I did everything that you wanted me to do. You were the person to whom I could bare out my soul and I did. But you never ever valued it. And now that all of a sudden we are strangers, shouldn’t I be happy? I can live the way I want to. I don’t have to worry about our fights. I don’t need to apologise to you 100 times a day for no reason at all. I need not be worried about your hot temper. But I am not happy. I am not sure if I need you or I want you, but whatever it is I am in pain. I don’t want to stay away from you. Maybe because I love you, I still do.. Unfortunately we don’t have a control over this fucked up emotion called love or the aftermath reaction of a heart break. Did I tell you that you have broken my heart? I know it sounds really silly. But trust me it has indeed broken. It is hurting me like never before. I wish break ups were not this bad, this complicated. I wish it was easier. I wish goodbyes were fun. I wish I didn’t have to cry or urge you this desperately to come back to me. I wish I could laugh at my folly for believing your lies. But I hate myself for believing you, for letting you hurt me, for letting you control my emotions. But unfortunately love isn’t just blind, it is deaf and dumb as well. Like they say it’s a no matter what! What can I do? I am simply a victim to this weird emotion called love. It doesn’t permit me to let go off you.. Maybe I am addicted to you… But I wish when you said “it's over” it was actually over..but it is not.. I am still in pain..I still want you back in my life...I am still ready to become the person you want me to become. I am still ready to let you screw up my mind; control my emotions and my life. I must be really stupid isn’t it? Yes I am. But so is this addiction or feeling called love...

Just then my phone rang. It was my friend. I received it.
Hey!
“Hmm thanks I guess I should pay him a visit then...”  I replied in a sad voice.

I saved the email in the drafts instead of sending it.

I rushed to dress up. I had put my favourite red dress. I painted my face well to hide the grief and thanks to the various eye painting products my red swollen eyes looked okay, not okay but actually good. I knew he would be there. This was my last chance.

As I walked to the pool side dining area I saw him wooing another girl. He was holding the same flowers from the same florist, and he was wearing the same shirt. The only difference was this time it wasn’t me, it was a new girl. Perhaps this was his lucky shirt and lucky flowers. This was my last chance. I had to do this before he kneels down and starts speaking the same lines that he had told me once upon a time. I literally ran to him. Good Lord I wish I had a camera I could shoot his face. I had never seen him this scared before. I smiled and said “so we broke up.” He started stammering “...lliissten listn..” I didn’t let him speak. I had to somehow tell him. I looked at the other girl and I knew it was a now or never. So finally I patted on his shoulder and told him “GOOD GAME!”

 He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. I turned and walked away, never looked back.  

2 comments:

shankar kv said...

My fav blogger and an upcoming writer the world should be looking for ;-)..Beautifully written.."GOOD BLOG" ;-)
Keep up the good work mate..

Sudeshna Mohanty said...

Its hard to believe that you were not going through a real break up when you rote this! pura pheeeeel !!

and ofcourse - I loved the end!