Wednesday, January 21, 2015

YOU DON’T NEED WATER TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING..

Washroom isnt the place to check your results but I wanted to check it alone. I went numb. No its definitely not my marks perhaps it’s a 68 not a 38 if I zoom it will be a 68. No it wasn't I saw 38s and just saw the word FAIL! It cant be my marks. I didn’t cry rather I couldn’t I was too shocked to react. I came out and told a friend “nahi hua I got a 38 in fin reporting and sfm aswell how?” I was sort of stoned. I went inside the class took my seat, the faculty was busy consoling another girl who did not make it. You know that feeling when you don’t even need water to drown yes that’s how I felt somewhere I was sinking I was drowning. But I needed water I bent down to open my bag and seems I did not really need my water bottle my eyes did the job.  Mam are you okay? You okay? Perhaps this was repeated some 3 times and finally I looked up and said yes but my tears also have a mind of their own they couldn’t control their flow. And the faculty asked so you also didn’t make it? I just nodded and said I am fine.He talked about some success failure theory that my ears or mind couldn’t receive. Somebody hugged me and whispered ” its okay its always not your fault I did it in my 7th attempt I know how it feels” and then I don’t know what I said and what she said. I was in some other world. But then that was when I realised who she was. That was the moment when I actually realised I was in class.. I just excused myself and walked out of the class. I kept walking, talking over the phone to a friend and crying. I reached home. I just told dad I didn’t make it. He didn’t ask me anything else. Normally I am a God friendly person I talk to Him fight and shout at Him. For a change I didn’t ask or tell Him anything there were just few questions that haunted me “what went wrong? Is something wrong with me? Now what? How do I start all over again? Do I have it in me? Am I really dumb?What more can I do?” My confidence level had gone down by 60 percent. I sat, I cried and the questions haunted me even more. Now what? From where do I start again? I called up one of my bosses who has been kind of a guide through out these three years. I asked him now what? He said watch a movie today apply for the answer sheets and see what went wrong. And its okay you cant digest it now you will be fine you are strong. My head and eyes ached and I had to go back to class. I had my lunch and rushed to the class. I told myself “you have to hold yourself together no matter how much glue you need. Just hold.”  I had a very bad headache I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, I asked a friend to get medicine. The medicine seriously couldn’t defeat the pain that I was going through. The moment I entered the class  a guy who always joked around a lot came to me and nervously asked all good? I laughed and said dude you can be normal with me I am all good. I laughed I joked throughout the class I held back my tears and smiled. I scribbled on my note pad “ I am cluless I am losing it I don’t have any confidence where did I go wrong?am I really dumb?” my friend sitting next to me snatched it away and scribbled back “don’t lose hope, you are really good I know that. Ask anyone out here they will vouch for the same. You are hardworking just stick to it. Sometimes its not your fault.”  It meant a lot. J I kept telling myself hold yourself hold yourself. I laughed, I joked I behaved like “aalll iss well” but no nothing was really well but I had to be strong.  I couldn’t help getting the flashbacks of the last five years, all the uncles and aunties who kept taunting me for not getting through IIT and now that I am getting older and I am still nothing its high time my parents should start thinking of getting me married. Firstly I am not old secondly they should drink their own cup of tea. Then I took the first resolution of the year stay away from such people till I become a CA and I genuinely don’t care if they are a part of the family. Throughout the day few of my friends kept whatsapping me it might have sounded like” gyaan” but they  wanted to tell me “we wont let you give up now!! you are the best we know! “ ps: I had made them promise me long time back never ever to let me give up!! Maybe because I knew it wasn’t meant to be easy.  Within that span of 5 hours I saw a different me someone who was drowning and sinking from within, someone who was joking and laughing, someone who was congratulating and was happy for all those who made it, someone who was holding herself together. There was a whole bunch of things I was supposed to speak on our concluding feedback session. haa! I spoke maybe 3 lines that actually made no sense. The whole thing ended at around 8pm I got back home my hands were still trembling right from the time I checked my results. I wanted to check it again I was like maybe I saw it all wrong. I checked it again. Maybe there was some mistake in the database they might be showing somebody else’s marks. I cried during dinner I tried to be normal but it was like I did all I could I don’t know what went wrong.  I hit the bed with a hope let tomorrow come I will be fine. I will start afresh like my brother said. I closed my eyes I could not sleep and I checked the results for one more time. Perhaps I had checked somebody else’s. 

1 comment:

CIDC ODISHA said...
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