Friday, December 12, 2014

And she listened to her heart yet again!

She had  a scalpel in her hand.She mustered the courage and brought it to what seemed like  fine green thick lines on her wrist.Her hands had stopped shaking and mouth was dry..but the pain did not abate a bit.What and who was she supposed to think of before she left..Did they deserve to know about her?Did they care? If they did she might not have been in this position today would she? She thought of leaving behind a note.. Not because she wanted the world to know why she is leaving,but just not to let them assume things like they always did.She was also a human, might not be everything that they thought her to be or expected of her to become but she was very much made up of a heart that was capable of feeling and yes she had blood that could boil. They can see the blood after she leaves maybe that might prove that she was just one of them.That is what she was leaving behind , a pool of blood in the room, a lifeless body that would be visible to everyone. A heart released of the pain, a broken soul and a stream of unfulfilled dreams that would remain wrapped up in darkness. The pain she was suffering was something she could not stand anymore. Who says she is weak? She is just tired of being strong.

What difference would a good bye note make? It isnt going to be laminated and hunged up anywhere. Maybe the good bye note may lead to yet another criticism and disappointment.  Its not like it would matter anymore.  But who is to be responsible for this? No doubt its going to be her. Cowardly act indeed.  But she did ask for help did not see? But was she ever noticed or understood? Maybe she should finally vent it all out before leaving.  The thoughts destroyed her even more. Was she supposed to be thankful sorry or just another complaining human being. She did not want to play the blame game. Hasn’t there been enough of the blaming shaming stuffs in her life?Its just her ,she is in pain, she wants to end it.  She tried, she did all she could. But she had come to a point in her life where giving up seemed easier. They might say it is not the right thing to do. But nobody lived her life, nobody walked in her shoes. She lived it. Maybe she should let them know everything how exactly she felt. She could not write anything and looked at the blank paper. It remained empty with stained tear marks. She could not have described it any better. That is how she felt. 

So that was it one impulsive move and it will all end. She kept telling herself “do it, do it, you can do it.” There was silence in the room. If insensate things could ever feel then maybe they were also waiting for the end, specially the clock which tick tocked impatiently every second. Time never waits! That’s right. She whispered “do it and just free yourself,what are you waiting for?what do you want?” She heard that heavy sound from within, that was her heart beating fast like really fast. As if it was pleading her to let it beat, it did not want to stop beating irrespective of how it felt. It spoke "give it a chance just for tonight." What a fool she was! she thought dying would be easier than living!! She was weak because she wanted to end it and at the same time not strong enough to end it.

She threw the scalpel back into the drawer. Opened her diary and scribbled “same shit, another day sorry night.”  And there dies another pen, another broken nib.

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