Thursday, May 10, 2012

This is how it goes...


The phone rings again, you miss the call just the way you have been for the past few days or maybe months. 35 unread messages in one day and you don’t bother to check whose..You know you did not have a bad break up so definitely it is not your ex calling or texting you. Still you don’t bother looking at your cell phone even once maybe because you know 90% of the calls and texts are from customer care. And rest from people who add up to your miseries. They call you up just to confirm that you had a bad day. And worse if it is from a colleague of yours who must have called up to discuss his super rocking office life and your melodramatic tragic office life. That is the last thing you wish to discuss.  At times you wonder if you still go to a school. Well no you are at work..Its just that some people never grow up even if you were more matured than them back in school also. Comparing school and office is like comparing heaven and hell!sigh! The phone rings again finally you receive it hoping that the person on the other side might cheer you up make you feel better.But the conversation makes you feel even worse neither you are interested to know what she wore to a party or what he did when he got high and nor is the caller interested to know why you had a bad day. After all they have their own happening lives, who cares about your boring dull life?  And finally the caller just asks ‘you sound weird?’ And you just reply naah I am tired. “I am tired” its a great excuse that can be practically used anywhere. That is one your favourite dialogues these days. You are tired so you cannot study, you are tired so you cannot talk, and you are tired so you cannot attend the stupid party. The reality is you are actually tired of being tired. You drift apart from your friends just because they don’t understand you..your life...and your work(sorry job like they say)... You call them up tell them everything that you go through, the mental torture which breaks you down at times. But neither they are interested to know nor they understand. The only response you get is “arey it happens, don’t let such a thing spoil your mood.” As if you enjoy spoiling your own mood.. But then they were never meant to understand it..Neither they live your life nor they have to go through all this on a daily basis. It is you who at times lives a nightmare. Faking a smile becomes easier than explaining people who won’t ever understand. You don’t remember the last time you had a hair spa or a new hairdo. You don’t have time to go for a spa or maybe you have and you are just too tired to go. You don’t really bother how you look. You already have dark circles and swollen eyes thanks to your stressful life. Before you could get any younger you realize you are getting old. Every time you see any teenagers partying at a coffee shop or anywhere you just look and say ‘once upon a time....’ You are lost and you cannot find the way out. You start losing interest in the very thing that you wanted to do. You come across people you don’t get along well with but still you put up with them. You are irritated with everything. You are tired of the same thing every day. Every morning you get up with a sinking feeling. Your monotonous life has sucked every bit of excitement left in your life. There are days your prince charming turns into a frog and you start crying and then there are days you just look at the frog and laugh. Maybe that is how you survive. But you are meant to live not just survive. You don’t fit in anywhere. The restlessness kills you. You don’t know why it is always the same feeling that engulfs you the moment you hit your bed every night. At times it is the insomnia fairy that accompanies you and at times it is the wet pillows that force you to a disturbed sleep. The only thing that keeps buzzing in your mind all the time is WHY? Is it worth it? Why do you have to go through all this?Do you deserve it? You never have an answer. What if you die today? This moment itself? Well that would be great, you will be freed from the clutches of what we call life. But then what do you do after that? Ask Him for another chance to fulfill the millions of dreams and wishes you had, one chance to tell someone how much you care how much you love them, one chance to apologize to make up for things that your ego did not let you to when you wanted,a chance to fight the fear that always held you back, a chance to live the moment, a chance to smile again, a chance to munch your favourite chocolate, a chance to buy those beautiful pair of shoes you saw the other day while window shopping, a chance to laugh play go crazy again..But all you do is stand there regretting all the things you could have done and you could not. You regret the times you spent worrying about things that were never under your control, you regret wasting tears or getting affecting by people who were never important, you regret being impatient and rude to people only because you had a foul mood, you regret every time you fought with your mom..how badly you wish you could hug her now.. you wish to fly you wish to go wild like a wolf but you cannot there is still something that holds you back and you don’t have an answer to the question what holds you back...You know you don’t want your life to end with two words on your lips “I wish” and “I regret”. You have all the answers yet you are not aware of them. You know you have miles to go before you sleep.  Every morning you still get up and say shit my life is hell!!And you smile and tell yourself learn to live in hell, heaven will eventually follow. What do we call this? Hope?life?dream?or maybe just lack of options

1 comment:

optimusprime said...

If your frustration can make you come up with a good write up, then i am sure it can be used to derive other positives as well. Stay in the hunt champ