Thursday, May 13, 2010

:S

Time of joyful beginnings,snowfalls,daffodils seemed to have bid farewell to my life those days. There were just long sleepless nights, endless hours of crying, with only one friend by my side that is my teddy bear. I lived in the land of bye bye sun. Daily I woke up to find a new trouble in my life it did not matter whether I welcomed it or kicked it off it,it just crept in through the closed door of my room don’t know how and why. I would find myself sitting on my bed the whole night and just go on crying for hours. Months passed by and I found myself completely plunged into depression. And then I realized I was so damn changed, every time I looked at my reflection I found a complete different person staring at me. My throat choked with words unuttered, my mind and heart had become constant aching things. A constant feeling of gloom, loneliness had engulfed me. There were times I would just sit and hear the tick tock of the watch and wait for time to pass by, my mind would be completely blank then and suddenly I would realize that I would be crying since when I never used to have any idea. This continued for months or maybe years. Its not that I did not try to get out of this I really tried my best but it never happened. For months I had switched off my cell and thrown it somewhere just did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be left all alone. It was then that I wrote my first my poem. Just got a piece of paper and thought about myself and those were the words that came out.It was then that I realised how sad I was.Depression was a monster that had grown larger and my desire to live had become fainter.There were times all I could think about was finding ways to end up my life, I just wanted to hurt myself(physically).Hurting myself at times gave me a kind of pleasure.At times I thought I was suffering from split personality.How badly I needed help. How much confused I was. It seemed as if my life had come to an almost dead end. Whatever it was I just wanted to get out of it. I could no longer sit and cry in despair. I used to think does anyone feel as lonely and sad as I do? Somewhere inside me I was actually dying.. I was scared of myself. I would just sit quietly for hours imagining my death. I tried running away from myself. At times I could not feel anything, for a few seconds I could not make out what was happening to me, I just wanted to end my life. And then suddenly I would realize what I was actually thinking of doing then I would just go on crying “somebody help me.” I was not able to concentrate on anything. I thought I actually needed some psychiatrist(infact till now at times I feel it):P Then I started talking to myself,I thought just about one person and that was me. I asked myself what I actually wanted to do?what do I love?what made me happy?what kind of life did I want to live?where would I end up if I continue like this?It took hours but finally I got the answers. And then somehow I fought back, I started getting a control over my thoughts, my emotions and my life. I just wanted to be happy. I was dying to be happy. But I just did not feel like doing anything. All I used to do was sit and cry. Still I did try my best to get over all this. I won’t say I was 100% successful still I was 50% successful. And that 50% means a lot. But there have been many changes in me, previously I used to be a great chatterbox now I rarely open my mouth. Ask the people who used to be a victim to my nonstop chattering.Now I just don’t understand what to talk to whom to talk. But the best way to keep your depression away is just to keep yourself busy. I tried doing that it worked, and I still try to do that. But there is no point running after happiness. You can never find long lasting happiness; it seems it does not exist. All you can have is a moment of happiness, a moment of joy and fun, that is what makes life worth living. If you truly want to be happy trust me nobody can stop you once you have a control over your life.
I thought over 100 times before posting this depression story, to be frank I really did not want to post it. But then I have seen people who have gone through the same trauma like me. This one is entirely for them. Doctors and pills might be of help but trust me self help is the best. If I could why can’t the others??

3 comments:

~~ Varsha ~~ said...

hey dear dis was so full of truth ... u arent just the lone sufferer of such depressions .. am also a victim of d same saddness n i too feel aloof amongst dozens of ppl arund me ... thence wud lyk 2 say .. just kip smiling always n as u said try 2 njoy the minute joy n fun tht we get through pied small things . all d best anki !!!

ardhendu said...

:)
Its the same.
keep writing.

Amruta Mohanty said...

This is life baby n u hav understood it very at a very early stage :).Happiness is through this journey...there is nothing at d end of the journey...Keep writing :)